Is This Thing On?

Ralph calls for help, but does it work?

Jul 22, 2025

Why hello there, ~~test subjects~~ bad bugs,

Last time we left poor Ralph locked in the conference room at Wicked Insect, LLC with few options. Let’s see how he fares now that he pressed the intercom:

Ralph pressed the intercom button. A burst of static cut the silence.

“Hello?” a woman’s voice asked.

“I need help!” Ralph screamed back into the microphone. “One of your crazy employees locked me in this room! I WANT OUT!”

Silence. Then a buzz.

“I see. Hold on, I’ll be right there.”

Ralph sighed and leaned against the wall. He was going to get out of this fucked up place and immediately call the police. Maybe he could even sue this company and get a fat payday to retire on. He looked at the ceiling vent again and was glad that he didn’t try and Die Hard his way out of this one.

A few minutes passed, and the lock on the door clicked loudly. It swung open to reveal a small woman bent with age. Her hair was gray, and her glasses were hanging from a gaudy beaded necklace.

“You should have come to the front desk,” she said, wagging a finger. “Instead, you got caught in one of Michael’s ‘social experiments,’ as he calls them.”

“Whatever is going on, I’m calling the cops!” Ralph shouted at her.

The woman sighed and waved Ralph back into the hallway.

“That’s what I was afraid of,” she whispered.

Ralph turned and saw that the woman now had a silenced pistol leveled at Ralph’s face. Her kindly expression had changed to one of loathing, and she seemed to be standing taller than she had been before. He took a step backward, causing her to hiss at him from between her clenched teeth.

“Everything that happens at Wicked Insect, LLC, is proprietary information that is not allowed to be shared with the public. You were told where to go and you did not follow directions; therefore, it is my obligation to—”

Ralph punched her so hard her dentures flew across the hall. The woman swore through a bloody, toothless mouth as she started firing the weapon at the pizza guy. Ralph turned and ran down the hallway as he heard the muffled gunshots and saw the bullets striking the walls around him.

“My goddamn glashes!” the woman shouted.

Ralph knew that he only had a few more moments of safety before she adjusted her glasses and was able to find her mark. He rounded the next corner and swore as he realized he had gone the opposite direction from the entrance. In front of him sat a dead end with a staircase and an elevator. Which one would be the safest?